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Welcome to Pleasure Central Radio!

Part memoir of a modern Renaissance woman, part career advice, part ‘how to be an amazing lover’ instruction manual... 

Pleasure Central is definitely about sexAND... Pleasure Central is just as much about every other kind of pleasure.

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Mar 29, 2020


Rebecca & Suzanne discuss the fear in the world surrounding the COVID-19 situation, self-love and their most important self-care activities and practices.


Would you like to help us make this podcast even better? Tell us what really helped you, what hit home, what surprised you, what motivated you to do something different in your own life...

And thank you for being a part of the conversation!

-Radiant Rebecca




[0:25] Well hello Suzanne welcome back to Pleasure Central Radio.
Suzanne: Hi Rebecca, so good to be with you again. 

Rebecca: Here in our homes far far away from each other - me and my recording studio you and your living room.
Suzanne: Lovin' the Modern Age. 
Rebecca: Yes! So I know we had talked about a couple of things that we wanted to discuss today. One of them is self-love, and another one was fear and how those two fit together. Where should we start?

[0:59] Suzanne: Well I think we should, maybe we should start with Donnie Darko!
Rebecca: Explain? 
Suzanne: For those of you who have seen Donnie Darko or who haven't.
For both of you, for both of those kinds of people Donnie Darko is a movie. and I remember this part of the movie where there is a motivational speaker and he's saying "You have to choose between love or fear - make a choice!"
and I found -- it was satirical, but it also felt very true and
it was an interesting way of depicting it because I simultaneously,
while I felt the truth in the statement also felt annoyed by having to make the choice because I was like is it really that simple? like either I'm going to feel afraid or I'm going to feel love? And I've been I've been exploring that recently.
In my, in my living.

[2:04] It's not really a question it's a statement. 
Rebecca: Yeah I know I haven't seen that movie so I'm intrigued by the comment. 
Suzanne: Yes, well, what's your experience with that with the fluctuations between love and fear?
Rebecca: Well actually I'm glad that you put it that way. I had never heard that quote never seen that movie but years ago
I remember being a part of this community of uplifting people and someone had said something during a meeting that really struck me. They said every decision that you make
is either, if you really look at it and examine it, it's either based
in fear or it's based in love. It's either based in not having or it's based in having.
One way or another when you sit and you investigate it's one of the other. And so for a chunk of time I remember making that a part of my decision-making matrix and saying "Okay,
if I did this thing right now, would I be doing it out of fear or would I be doing out of love? Would I be doing at out of having or would I be doing it out of the place of not having? And I found that to be really, really helpful. I'm so glad that you remind me about that.

[3:23] Suzanne: Yeah I think it's something that I've noticed recently because.
We are in a the global coronavirus various levels of
Sheltering in place or self-quarantining and trying to assess moment-by-moment what the, you know ,what the world's going to become.
And what it is now and what's been interesting for me is noticing sometimes I feel so good.
And so optimistic and so available to all the creative possibilities and there are other times where it's like it's like a wind just came through the window. I feel terrified and I feel like the world is going to end, and you know I'm not really afraid about lack of food but I'm afraid for people in my life about lack of job opportunities.
And I feels like I have to, like, with my mind, like, turn the channel.

[4:33] Turn the channel to something else and I've been curious about like how you are navigating, like, if you're experiencing these kind of winds, these different perceptive states and then how you navigate the shifting of the channel.

[4:49] Rebecca: You know I think I've only experienced that sensation of a wind of emotion or wind of energy when I'm around a lot of other people. Because if I get into an Uber have to go
out for some reason, sometimes it's a really positive experience and sometimes it's not. But usually these days it's a pretty positive experience because I'm very conscious of where my vibration is and I know that where I am feeling the most energy in my thoughts, that's just going to show up in the world when I go out so if I pay enough attention to my thoughts
ahead of time and I believe I'm able to sooth them before I go out, then I don't feel as much of that and when I do I'm able to observe it and not be swept up in it.

[5:36] Suzanne: So, you know what's interesting to me about either preparing oneself to go outside because I'm
--I'm noticing these different winds, you know, just in my home. And it might just be how our nervous systems are rigged or it could also have something to do with the fact that you're pretty deep into your own practice as I understand it, around checking in with your mind box and vibration.
And I'm curious if you describe -- and I know it's years and you're so many years into this practice so it's so much different than it used to be -- but I am curious about how you track your vibration.

[6:28] Rebecca: That's actually pretty simple I track my vibration by how I'm feeling and by what anticipation shows up in my head.
So, if I'm anticipating going out and having an amazing time, that says something about my vibration and if I'm anticipating going out and feeling wary, that says something about my vibration. But also what shows up! That says a lot about my vibration so I don't always notice ahead of time that I'm a little off so I'll go out and my Uber driver will be super paranoid and I'm like alright okay, that's where my vibration is okay and then I can take steps to soothe and to calm it even while I'm sitting there in the car.

[7:10] Suzanne: So you take responsibility for pretty much every experience that you have whether its internal or external.

[7:20] Rebecca: Yeah, I think that's kind of required once you once you believe that you create your own reality and even if you don't believe that there's so much evidence that the attitude that you go out into the world with is reflected back to you in many ways, so yeah I think taking responsibility for it is the most empowering way to look at it.
Suzanne: You know, I noticed that yesterday. I went for a walk with a girlfriend over my phone! So I put my earbuds in and I went for a walk in the woods at Sunset which is what I normally do in these times because there are less people on the trails and I'm lucky enough that I'm right next to a big nice patch of woods.

[8:08] Suzanne: And I noticed that she couldn't talk right away because she had to sooth a friend that was scared. And so I started listening to this wonderful acupuncturist, Dr. Edith Chan.
And she was talking about how it's so easy these days to watch these different tracks of realities, different streams, and I liked what you said about based on what you anticipate is a really nice way to see where you currently are. And as I was walking,
I was really resonating with what this woman was saying and she talked about just shifting perception. At that moment I turned the corner of this trail, down a trail I hadn't been done before, and then all of a sudden my friend called me.
And I could just feel like this line up between what was happening in my nervous system and I was I was shifting my perception and then all of a sudden my friend called me and all of a sudden I was shifting perceptions shifting my physical movement down a trail.

[9:16] And it's kind of hard to describe but it felt like everything in my mind and my body had aligned in that moment.
And so I feel like that's a there this is relationship between like it's a very minor synchronicity but I still think synchronicity is important when we think about shifting
from a state of maybe fear into a state where there's a loving awareness. You know how I sensed this loving awareness walking down the trail and all of a sudden,
you know I turn the corner, boom, my friend calls. 
Rebecca: Yeah, I think synchronicity is a sign of alignment.

[9:57] Suzanne: Yeah, I feel I feel that. And as we were preparing I was going a little deeper into the statement of "The only thing to fear is fear itself."
Which to me is an interesting statement because if the only thing to fear is actually fear, then is there is there is fear real at all. Like, when a fear actually applicable, when most of the time, especially living in the world I am in right now where I still have I still have a job I still have a roof over my head. Most of it actually, isn't, most fear that I would experience during the day isn't actually real.

[10:41] Rebecca: Well it's real and that you experience it as real and that's important. But I also think that fear is a gift.
And if we're seeing fear as the kind of thing that we need to get away from as quickly as possible I think we're missing the point of the gift.
Because in every fearful thought there is an opportunity of what's important, you know. So whatever it is that you're afraid of, it's showing you what is really important to you.
And when you're able to look at the fear, use it as a gift and say, "ah okay, I see that this is really important to me, how can I make sure this happens? "How can I take my safety with me in whatever way that feels important in this moment then it gives us the opportunity to transform the fear into power. 
Suzanne: Right, it's like it's like....

[11:46] It feels like you'd have to take a step back from the fear though,
right? Like, if you're, say I'm afraid I'm afraid of huge economic collapse which is something much bigger you know as a larger global shift.
So instead of really paying attention to that thought, I pay attention to what I value inside of that thought. 
Rebecca: Well, what is it that you value inside of that thought? 
Suzanne: I value social harmony.
Rebecca: Okay.

[12:24] Yeah I'm tuning into my body as you're saying this and I can see the logical connection between those two I'm not feeling much of a difference in my body so the way I would approach it is okay yeah there's a fear of economic collapse and reminding myself through that fear which I don't really experience about right now but reminding myself through that thought that created some fear in me, that every economic collapse has also had people that are thriving within the collapse.

[12:57] Mmm... And so, to me, the economic collapse is more of an opportunity for whoever and however many people and organizations are ready and willing to Pivot and to create a different kind of system. A system that's not so...
that is more resilient. 
Suzanne: yeah that this is... one of the most beautiful things I just have to share this my partner works for a tech company in -- I'll just name them -- Unity, which is a company that creates video gaming software but also tools for like three dimensional VR, AR... various kinds of technologies that can be used in the gaming industry. The president of the company just announced that instead of giving everyone bonuses this year because of what's happening currently on our economy,
the bonuses are going towards all the hourly workers. Who right now like can't work inside of the building. And to me, like, that... when I heard that I was so excited to hear there where, there are people that are actually right now looking out for the benefit of those that aren't intrinsically protected.

[14:26] Rebecca: Yeah yeah. Do you know the history of The origin story of Meetup? 
Suzanne: I'd like to know.
Rebecca: Okay, so I love telling this story especially right now because it's such a good reminder for me of "Yeah, some big global catastrophe might happen and then what might come out of it... so, the story that I remember (and this was posted on their website while ago) is that the two guys that found in were in Manhattan when 9/11 happened.
And they both saw how New Yorkers were gathering together and neighbors were helping neighbors and people just started coming from this really generous kind place and got to know each other and after a few months, that started to just to dissipate. So, less people were coming together and they thought, "wouldn't it be cool if we could maintain this energy somehow? "How can we use technology to facilitate this kind of connection?" and so they created where people can come together, locally meeting face-to-face and just connect over things that they're interested in and over their local interest. And has been a really big part of my life as an introvert. It creates just enough of a structure that I can go and meet people who are interested in something I'm interested in and connect with them and maybe make friends maybe have all kinds of interesting relationships that come out of that. And for me personally, there's a Meetup Group in Seattle that I've been a part of for 11 years or 12 years, the Abraham Hicks meetup group and that has been one of the most life-changing communities that I've ever been a part of. Because, I mean, you know enough of my story to know this is true but I've hired people from the group I've dated people from the group I've worked with people from the group, you and I have done some stuff with that meetup group too. It's just been such a huge part of my life, so many of my friends have come straight out of that group and because we have this similar basis of understanding about the way the world works, we have very strong connections. 
All of that from 9/11.
Suzanne: mmm-hmm yeah it feels like it's really it's really important to gather in these times.
Around and keep looking for where there are potentials for resourcing,
for example I was talking to a friend yesterday. I found, well, I fell down I found myself in a little fear spiral and it was super hard to be creative! I'm finding that I really wanted to like, brainstorm and come up with a solution because I had fear in my body, I, it was pretty much impossible to do anything. And so--
Rebecca: Yeah, because your frontal lobe was turned off. 
Suzanne: My frontal lobe was turned off. How- what do you do, what do you do what we do darling to get your frontal lobe.

[17:36] Rebecca: Back on? haha! There are so many things that you can do. Meditation,
I think I took different tactics depending on what I'm doing - going for a walk is a good one, anything that calms your nervous system back down and talks yourself off a ledge should help with that, should help reconnecting.
So yeah it's any stress reliever or stress reducer is a good frontal lobe reactivator, I guess? It helps return the circulation and the blood flow to the prefrontal cortex. 
Suzanne: What's interesting is that I did, there was a Vipassana meditation online today through the California, you know, Vipassana group through zoom. That's probably the the most amount of people on Zoom I've ever seen join. There must have been at least a hundred, I mean it was really amazing. But to me, that's strategy... I would probably, I might not do Vipassana when I'm in like the deeper fear state I was in yesterday. That, Vipassana feels like a good, like, pregame like get your get your brain in a better state to begin with.
But then when I fall into more of the deep end of the pool which I was in yesterday it feels like, some of the strategies I have used are EFT (tapping) feels like more where I might go.
Or, you know, silly dancing how much silly dancing do we see going on right now too. 
Rebecca: All of the fun silly dancing. There's so much silly dancing going on. You know that Taylor Swift song, Shake It Off? yes yes I love that one especially... someone put this together for me, I think was Marie Ruzicka in a Qoya class years ago yeah.

[19:42] Animals when they have just been chased by a predator and have gotten away they have all this adrenaline running through their body they needing to balance there physical place back into a place of stasis and they shake.
They just shake until it's all rebalanced and then they move about their day they forget it and so that song, Shake It Off, while I've got some kind of energy that I really want to get out is pretty pretty fun way to
it's been five minutes and return my body to normal.
Suzanne: There is a fun thing I did this morning after Vipassana -- talk about this life, this new let this new world!
I have a group of women that it's just like it's our second time doing this on Zoom but what I realized is that when I do Fitness classes in general, any of them. If it's not Pilates or yoga if it's any other Fitness class I want to be laughing,
I want I don't want to take it very seriously.

[20:47] We today we decided we were going to do Latin dancing and a friend led,
and what was amazing is it was a little bit freeform, she was a beautiful dancer, we were kind of focusing on her. Mut it was really hard for us to actually do any moves so we couldn't like pretend we're really in a dance class because of the limitations of Zoom.

[21:08] But there was a perceptive thing that I found I have to do over and over with zoom or I have to like really like imagine that I'm there with the women. And when I'm there, and I actually just let go of all of my desires to have form right and just celebrate exactly what's happening. There was such a beautiful release I felt from that. Like, so much surrender of like having to look a certain way or do the steps a certain way and that was felt like another liberation inside of I think what I used to feel around fitness, which was like so much desire to do it right.

[21:52] Rebecca: You're extending your bionic senses! 
Suzanne: I want to know what that means. 
Rebecca: Well, I think it's just a little bit more play on what we were talking about the last time where we're using technology as bionicly improved senses. And so you dancing in your living room and having to imagine yourself as being there, that's that mental practice, that mental expansion of what you're able to sense and how you're able to be connected to other people. That's how I was seeing it anyway.
I like that actually right? Because visualization is legitimate skill for training.
For fitness training, for any kind of high performance training. To be able to visualize yourself doing well, it's a critical part of, it can be a critical part of how one can advance.

[22:46] Rebecca: Yeah, I remember I first learned about visualization and I think I was in middle school when I was on the first sports team I was ever on volleyball team
and I happen to be reading a book about Olympic athletes and how Olympic athletes would visualize what they wanted to do many, many, many times as much as they would practice
and so I started doing that. As I was going to bed I would visualize myself being able to walk right up to the net and put my hands up and make a block. And then, that started working so well that I started visualizing myself spiking the ball.
And I was an awkward, tall not-really-in-my-body middle schooler. Within six weeks, I did figure out how to spike the ball. And I could do it. I could spike the ball across the net and it would land in the zone. So that was pretty cool it was my first experience of visualization and the positive power of it.

[23:41] Suzanne: Of course you were doing that in middle school, that is so adorable!
Do you still do that game with yourself or do you visualize new things for yourself.

[23:55] Rebecca: You know, I do, though I haven't done it in a structured away in a while. I did it when I was practicing martial arts a lot.
I haven't really done it for Tango yet, maybe that's what I'll do well I have my ankle hurt and no one's getting together to do Tango. That's what I'm feeling too is-. Recently I started I started constructing a list of like things that I'd like to learn,
in this time of, hopefully we can maybe we can just start doing it now envisioning a reduction of time of Sheltering in place.
A quick and you know speedy recovery to a world where we can move around and hug each other again but in the meantime, making a list of the things that I want to actually learn and and study.
It feels like putting on their things I can envision myself doing well like here's my vulnerable share... I do want to learn the piano and start playing the piano.

[25:03] Rebecca: Oh my gosh, I love the piano it's a beautiful instrument.
Suzanne: And I did buy, for some reason, got myself a keyboard right before this whole thing happened, so it's going like that is probably one of the best things I could visualize doing because they've actually shown you can visualize playing the keyboard and then actually play the keyboard and have similar result.

[25:28] Rebecca: And I'll bet that there's a master class with some badass piano player that will teach you how to play online.
Suzanne: Oh this is very good, this is exactly right.
Rebecca: It's fun, I've been doing the same thing. I've made a list of books that I've been wanting to read and these are books that I've been planning on reading and like really going through and studying this year anyway so it's nice to have a list of them all laid out and look at the list, cause for some reason I was having a hard time looking at my audible library and being able to prioritize what I wanted to read. It just would show me what was the most recent thing that I had downloaded or opened and having a list of all these things that I want to read is completely different because I look at the list and I go "Oh! That's the one to listen to right now!"
It's a different way of experiencing books. And so that's been lovely. And I have some online courses which I started before all of this happened and now I'm like okay I got some time let's sit down and do it.
Suzanne: Okay here's what I noticed. I noticed that I ended up getting things I've wanted for months if not years in the past week.

[26:40] Have you noticed ... okay, I have to tell you. So basically This Woman's Group, this workout women's group...
I've wanted this exact configuration of women to be working out together wanted this for like four months.
And then all of a sudden now we're on zoom working out together and it is the most fun, the most pleasurable. I was like this is the weirdest way that this could be happening and here we are.
That's one thing, and then again like doing the Vipassana meditation, one of my good friends has done at least like 20 Vipassana meditations if not more like 20 10 day sets.
This lady has sat for 200 days and met I've always wanted to sit with her and we did it this morning it was like things that I wanted to happen for so long are now happening because the world like almost like I've stopped,
moving so that the world can actually deliver all the things that were trying to get to me.

[27:45] Rebecca: That's an interesting way of looking at it but I am also want to draw your attention to the fact that you said you have been in fear recently and now you're not and I think it might have more to do with that the fact that you're no longer afraid and you're open and you've been doing all of this self-care in this self love in order to allow yourself to be in a good place. 
Suzanne: yeah I think it's both I think I think the wonderful thing is training the mind to be expecting good things to happen means that it's easier to notice good things coming.

[28:27] And to notice that the good things that are coming, that that may have been coming for a long time.
And I remember one time watching an Indigenous Elder, I cannot remember her name. I saw her on YouTube. She was giving a talk, and she said you know in for her in her culture a prayer is only said one time.

[28:56] And then it's released. 
So that whenever and however it comes back is in the exact accurate time frame that is supposed to come. And it feels like that.
The things that I have like sent prayers our intentions out too.

[29:18] It's too heavy on. Things that I thought would be fun and I release them and then here they are.

[29:31] Yeah I think that's the yeah go ahead,
Rebecca: Yeah, I think that's a pretty common experience because the things that we feel are so important to us we have often a lot of attachment to getting like if we think we must get this job in order to make it through this time period then we've just turned all of our power over to whoever is making that decision about the job. But really, we are much more resourceful than that it's not this one thing that's going to help me get to it,
that's ONE option, but there's a whole bunch of other options. They might be options I haven't seen yet but there's a whole bunch of other options and if I want to be in a place where I can see those options and be open to them then that's my job. It's to
set my attitude to this place where I am actually open, where I'm able to see what shows up. I'm able to see what's already there in front of my face that I didn't think was an option because I've got some story about it.

[30:35] Suzanne: Hmm... that's right yeah I started watching one of the yoga teachers have had a profound impact on my life. A short way he's described his name his name is Yogi Raj.
And he was telling a story again on "the YouTube" about a simple story about this man looking for his Guru right his teacher.

[31:07] The young man goes out and he's so excited to find his Guru and he walks up to this old man on top of the hill and he's like listen I have to find my Guru it's very very important and,
the old man barely can get a word out before the young man has run off looking,
leaves No Man Behind goes on a journey for many years finding one teacher who looks really good you know has the bright sparkly eyes but maybe not like the profound speech in the words.
Tries to go to the next teacher who has the profound words but not the bright sparkly eyes time and time passes and then returns back to that same hell.
Only to realize that this is the group that he was looking for the whole time you know so there's this this also.
Part of the human brain that sometimes it takes us a while to gather all the information that we need to realize or to have the eyes to see what was there in front of us the whole time.

[32:09] Rebecca: Yeah and I think that in my experience and according to many of my teachers, that's just about having the right eyes to see.
Having the right vibration having the right attitude so you can see. It's not bad to go all over the world and search for other things in the new come back in to find out that it's where you were the whole time. AND you can also say,
Ah, I want to see what's important to me right now let me see if I can shift my vision-- oh look, there it is! Ah ha!" hmm hmm Not to diminish the journey, it just means you don't have to take the long way around, you can shortcut it.
Suzanne: Mmm yeah that feels good feels really true and feels really crucial to you know, be with like, God I just had this quote reading this this book right now.
This book called Ka, one of the books that were aren't things on my list feed.
Ka: Stories of the Hindu gods. and there's this this one of the characters go to this in this huge huge Journey.
Where he travels and you know how so many things happen one thing after the other after the other and then he,
he says you know so many things are happening so many stories one inside the other every link hiding yet so many stories stories and I have barely hatched out of my egg and I feel like.
Just the way that things are constantly overlapping and changing and how one thing is constantly leading to the other.
But how everything is connected to each other it's like you can't.
Extract you know one part away to another part because also.
When we think about attraction every little piece is connected to every other piece.

[34:19] Rebecca: So when I'm curious about right now... You hopped on the call saying you were full of self love? Self pampered? Self-care? 
Suzanne: Self Care, oh I'm Juiced up! 
Rebecca: Yes, yeah so how do you decide what self-care to do as you're going through your day?

[34:45] Suzanne: Well, I think there's like the self-care musts that have to be reassessed. Like the self-care pillars.
So for example I have this one meditation technique that I just make sure I do.
And I think it's nice to have a pillar because without a practice it's hard to really assess oneself. It's not like one practice is better than the other, though different teachers like to argue that.
Once once I'm inside a practice that I'm practicing once or twice a day that feels like okay it's a pillar and that way I can actually watch myself grow.
So that's like, meditation feels like a pillar. But then something that brings fun and joy also feels like a pillar, and to me the way that I find joy is dance.

[35:45] So that feels like, okay another pillar. okay meditation.
And then another pillar seems to be nutrition like what am I putting in my body and, now right now I have a system where I'm cooking.
Every meal or have the luxury to cook every meal so that also feels like okay another pillar. and it feels like the more,
you know I have these go to the good kind of the three major pillars and then right now this is tricky but like also going outside feels like a major pillar.

[36:26] Okay five pillars and then intimacy.
Quality connection through phone or in person where I have to Bare my soul and I feel like if those are all covered.
Then I feel like I've met some basic components of who I am.

[36:46] Rebecca: I love how you broke it down into your five pillars.
And I think your five pillars are probably perfect for most of us. There are ones that are similar for me too. Even without this isolation, nutrition, exercise, some kind of communication with myself, some kind of intimacy with other people... those are four things that I absolutely have to have in order to stay sane, so yeah that's that's beautiful.

[37:17] Suzanne: If you were to take this was the challenge my partner proposed to me and I'm curious what you think.
Is there like one or two, like if we're that if you want to pair it down like what's like the one or two things you know you have to do.
Rebecca: Well if I had to pare it down I would just group things together. So for instance, yeah I know I'm sneaky like that! It's like asking the genie for more wishes on your third wish!
Suzanne: But you just did that, okay!
Rebecca: That's that's basically what I do. But for me I would put them together. So, tango is something that I both get a lot of intimacy, a lot of physical movement, a lot of play, a lot of sensuality,
yeah. So if I had to pair things down that that's one thing that would definitely stay. And then probably nutrition, just because it makes such a big impact on my life and I have found that,
before the whole isolation thing one of the best things I can do for myself is invite friends over for dinner and make food. So I use SunBasket. I've used them for probably three years. It's a meal plan delivery thing and their food is great I can get dairy free gluten free three amazing meals a week and it works really, really well for me. And just the fact that I have three meals that I need to cook every week reminds me that I need to invite somebody over. And then when I'm doing that, I'm having people over, we are having conversations sitting in... My kitchen is an open floor plan and that was very intentional on my part. And I knew that cooking food was going to be very important to me and feeling isolated from whoever else was there DOES NOT work for me so. So my kitchen in my living room and my Island they're all right there together, so whoever I have over for dinner can sit at the island and chat while we are talking. They can help me, they can be my sous chef. Sometimes they'll take over and they'll cook and I'll just sit and chat. And I love that. So yeah, those are the two things if I had a pare it down, tango dancing and nutritious Meals With Friends. 
Suzanne: I love that because it feels like to know what the four or five things that you need if you're going to have the super most amazing day, that's good because then you have the super most amazing day but what I also realize is that sometimes.
Having just the two things is also like that you know are.

[39:55] Because think about it when you stand when you stacked all the meaning you made out of those two activities as a lot about who you are as well so it's a way of self.

[40:08] You can get to know yourself through the activity. 
Rebecca: And as you get to know yourself you learn to love yourself.

[40:16] Suzanne: Yes the bring it back to this so this so bad and the very profound thing is.

[40:26] There's this that call towards self-love I mean do you feel like you have all... 
I'm just really curious, I was going to I was tempted to ask you you know "Have you always loved yourself?" and here I go making assumptions about you.
Do you feel like you could pinpoint when you started feeling like "Oh, this is what self-love is!" and this is you know "Oh, I know I love myself now!" do you can you pinpoint that?
Rebecca: I feel like for me that became really clear in high school, and the times when it is the most clear to me is when I have a choice to make, I have some kind of boundary that I feel I needs to set. When I set the boundary where it needs to be set, then I realize how much I love myself.
Suzanne: that's pretty, that's so beautiful. So around the time that you were like spiking balls and blocking. You were also... an interesting parallel time when you were visualizing yourself as a success you also worked experiencing yourself as, as someone who was fully worthy of love.

[41:49] Rebecca: Yeah I was experiencing myself as someone worthy of everything that I wanted and that I don't know which came first but it feel like they went together so because I felt like I was worthy of everything that I wanted I would do my homework early in the evening so I could get it done and then go out and do things and I would be fresh and I would take myself out for a run. I learned how to run when I was a teenager for the same reason because I needed to get out of the house I needed to have some time for myself I needed to do something physical and so I started making that a habit because I knew that I was worth it.

[42:33] Suzanne: Oh my gosh that feels like, so I feel so beautiful to feel you know that. The impulse to get something done early because you're worth it. That feels like an embodiment of what it is to love yourself because if you're loving if you're doing something that your body loves your body wants to do it right away yeah.

[43:03] Rebecca: And there was also a lot with how other people would treat me and how I would like them treat me and the conversations I was no longer willing to engage in and the the people who I realized I didn't feel very good around. When I would leave I felt like I was less myself and so I would just stop spending time with those people and I would look for people that I felt more myself, more connected.
 Suzanne: mmm what do you think it is like sometimes I've noticed as well in myself Like a I just feel like it's good it's just a vulnerable share one of my pillars is that I've noticed sometimes a lag of time in myself care and I have noticed that people who experience this, it's like they're kind of waiting to take care of themselves, maybe because they don't know that they're worthy or they don't even know fully what they want or when they get what they want they don't even know if they want it and. So I feel like this could be a fun opportunity to really like hack that like what it like to shorten the gap between identifying something that you want and then taking actions towards it because you're worth it.

[44:36] How is that-- how is a bridge made between those those worlds of wanting something and knowing that the steps.

[44:48] Tour worthy of all this even even if we want isn't directly in sight.
Rebecca: You know I think there's two things you're to tease apart because you're saying you know people, you've seen people (and I've been this person too) that is putting off self-care, but I think it's important to investigate why we're putting it off because making the assumption that we're putting it off because we don't value ourself or love ourselves is not always true.
I have found that when I'm trying to find the thing that really really works for me, it looks like I'm procrastinating self-care but what I'm actually doing is looking for self-care that gives me more bang for my buck.

[45:37] Right so like Tango yeah so for me Tango provides multiple benefits. You know, it's connection its intimacy its sensuality its physical it's beautiful it's something that just feeds my feminine being in a way where there's no intent or purpose or point to it, it's just doing it for the fun of it. It's Community, its connection with other people, it's finding Mastery of some kind. It's all of those things. AND I've done other kinds of things fitness-wise that are good for my body but they don't necessarily provide all of that and when I don't have as much bang for my buck so to speak I have less interest and going out and doing those things.
Not because I don't love myself but because I'm looking for something that I get more value out of and so when I remind myself that it's okay to not force myself to go and do what I think I'm supposed to do it's okay to look around and find find the thing that really does spark my joy, really does bring more pleasure into my life and then remind myself THAT that's my mission, THAT is the self care that I'm doing at that time. It's not me putting off self-care because I don't love me it's me looking for the self-care that resonates the most and amplifies me as much as possible.

[47:03] Suzanne: It's almost like we receive the nutrient or the benefit of any practice like the nervous system is already attending to something that would help it grow more whether its Mastery within the field,
whether it's deepening the connection that are already there in the experience or whether it's seeking you know what you talked about a new technique or a new environment or a new, a new thing to work on so that that's what I love about the mind is that it can seek things beyond what it knows and then the body goes to this pathway of finding it, just to get closer to again Who We Are.
I think David White said, the poet, he said "Human beings are the only species that can stop their own blossoming."
Which means you know also Life as we are capable of encouraging it in ways that are, you know, I think increasingly self-fulfilling. Which is what I feel when I hear you talk about your process of finding richer experiences for yourself. 
Rebecca: Yeah, and I think that attitude is a really important thing to pay attention to. If you feel like you're procrastinating out of some negative response, well, what if you're just procrastinating because you haven't found the thing that works for you yet. mmm... different attitude, different way of approaching the world. And one is based in fear and one is based in love, one is based in not having one is based in having.

[48:46] Suzanne: Hmm and then there's like, we're back to the, I mean we're going to we're going to ride that one all the way home I think today. I remember talking to a client and she, I've seen this too and I really want to name this,
where people will try a you know and they'll kind of thing that that tuned and I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. You know, so there's also a quality that's worth acknowledging and it's something I love experiencing when people come to a class where maybe they're into it maybe they're not but they have committed themselves to fully enjoying it while they're there so there's something also I think really important about.
Even if I don't believe you.
Enjoy whatever I'm doing like if my meditation doesn't I don't know if it's fully fulfilling me or you know is do I like this recipe or,
do I like this dance practice like how do I apply myself to fully just put myself inside of it so that I can actually grow inside of the thing and said the thing getting to grow me.

[50:00] Rebecca: Yeah and I think that comes down to that really fine-grained connection with your physical body that we were talking about last week. Being able to feel in your body early when the tension starts or when something just doesn't feel right and then being, like, "Oh okay, this doesn't mean this is wrong it just means that's a redirect somehow," helps me loosen that up what gives me the he's in space and warmth back in my body.
Suzanne: Mmm how to allow the body to continue to open to the experience it's having at any given moment.

[50:37] Mmm I feel like really strongly mmm and I, you know I'm thinking about that walk I took yesterday because I was sensing as I was walking like this, I talked about this last week this kind of insatiable desire to be in the body
being and I think what it was now that I have a little more self-care a little more juice and a lot more pleasure in my body today, I'm like, "Oh, I think I was just feeling anxious!" It wasn't that anything was you know insatiable it's like I just needed to up level my attentiveness to the quality and the quantity of self-care.
Like to take the time but also to bring the quality of mind into each of my experiences so that the experiences could fully give back to me.

[51:39] Rebecca: Yeah that's important. You got to be present for the self-care or it just goes right over your head! 
Suzanne: Check-in! Don't check out! yeah yeah.
Rebecca: That's very cool. Can you think of a another thing that we want to share here or should we wrap this up?

[51:59] Suzanne: I mean it feels like now we've segwayed into the the loving place where I feel like I started everything. Like I wanted to talk todoay about fear and I feel like we're back where I was in self-love and,
now we're back in self-love so you know it was definitely a self-love boomerang. 
Rebecca: I like that self of boomerang maybe that's what we'll call this episode!
Suzanne: Totally going out with some self love, touching fear, ah... reintegrated into love again. and I noticed when I was doing the Vipassana meditation, you know, Goinka, who was saying just a few minutes for meta where you just focused on like make every single good thing I experienced today benefit all human beings and maybe that's where self-love goes. It goes on every good thing that I experienced it go out to all of you today.
Rebecca: Yay yay that's awesome it's really lovely to talk with you Suzanne. I'm glad we got to have this self-love boomerang.
Suzanne: Self-love boomerang. Many more to come. May every moment be that. 
Rebecca: Excellent. Well, have a good rest of your week and I look forward to having more conversations with you.
Suzanne: Thank you my love!