May 3, 2020
Wendy and Rebecca discuss G-spots, masturbation during the pandemic, adjusting to our bodies adjusting sensations, fantasies, “girl” porn, and breathing your consciousness into your body parts for “more juice.”
RATED R: Describing sexual acts, talking about genitalia, cursing.
To learn more about Wendy Newman, this week's guest, click here: WendySpeaks.com
Wendy Newman is a media-celebrated author and a dating, sex and relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 70,000+ women internationally. She guides women to understand men, dating, sex, and partnership of all kinds. She celebrates those emboldened to live their truth and is an advocate for LGBTQ rights, open relationships, and alternative lifestyles.
Committed to communication and to people being heard and understood, Wendy pursued her higher education at Vista College in Berkeley with a certificate in American Sign Language and Deaf Culture Studies.
You can find Wendy’s articles, features, interviews and expert advice on WendySpeaks.com and through the following media outlets: Access Hollywood, The Wall Street Journal, U.S. News, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, The Daily Telegraph (Australia), Meetic (France), Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Redbook, Self, Huffington Post, Men’s Health, Men’s Journal, Elle (Canada), Honey (Australia), Salon, Your Tango, Refinery 29, Ask Men, Thought Catalog, Brit + Co, She Knows, Bustle and more.
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-Radiant Rebecca and the Pleasure Central Team!
[0:25] Hey Wendy, welcome back to Pleasure Central Radio,
I'm really happy to be here Rebecca and I'm really happy that you're here for one of the girl-on-girl episodes because I am definitely in a mood to talk about some sex and some of the things that surround that
and creativity and just you know chat with you and get to see how how you're adjusting in your life.
[0:51] Juicy I'm up for some juicy topics I think that the pandemic has left me a little juiceless so this is going to be great,
you know it's interesting that you say that pandemic has left you a little bit juiceless I feel like there have been times in my life where I felt that way for one reason or another isn't the first pandemic I've been through but,
there were a couple of times when I was in a long-term relationship where I felt like that we're just felt like everything had dried up and almost every single time.
[1:22] Erotica is what brings me back oh what kind do you like.
I don't even know that I know enough to know what kind of erotic I like but I know that.
They usually end up getting an anthology of some kind so every chapter is a different story.
Different characters different fantasy and that gives me a good way to just go through and investigate and see what lights my fire and turns me on.
[1:50] Sounds good yeah I'm one of the few women that I know who doesn't,
enjoy erotica I don't I don't know if it's my Earth sign or was if I'm still a little bit pouring in that area but I always I always wish I could because it seems like a really,
easy easily to access go to you know,
yeah I think so too and I think that's why anthologies work so well for me because usually they will be,
eight stories that I have no interest in I'll read them and be like okay there's a little bit of hotness to that but I never want to read it again yeah,
but in the books that I keep there's one or maybe two maybe three stories and that book three chapters that stand out as hot for one reason or another.
[2:40] Do you ever enjoy porn.
[2:45] Actually I can I do enjoy it when I watch it and it's usually with somebody but it's so rare it's not something that I think about very often,
yeah that's what I've noticed for myself is that the kinesthetics,
of the imagining are what matters the most so if I can feel someone's body on me that's the best and,
visualizing or seeing it visually doesn't necessarily translate to being able to feel it reading it often translates to be able to feel it if it's a compelling enough story hearing it like having someone in my ears with an ear bud.
Especially if it's phone sex or something like that or my sexy audiobook that works really well for me.
But yeah visual is not as not as much of a big deal not that I don't like it just done yeah.
[3:41] It's not the same I know we're all wired differently what about you do like porn,
you know I really want to I really do and there are certain things that I know that if I could see them I would think it was really hot but they actually,
don't make the kind of porn that I would want to see which I know that sounds impossible there's even the mean like if you can think about it there's a porn,
you know there's porn for it but it's actually not true if we've done a deep dive I've had friends of mine help me try and do a deep dive for what I'm looking for in the it probably does exist but the search
filter capabilities can't find it but so no mostly no because it is designed,
the majority of it is designed for men and I think the feminist or not they're also have tried some lives is not my flavor so I've given it a good college try just like erotica and it's not there for me but.
Okay I imagination of it is good I got to admit I'm really curious what kind of porn is it that you think you would like that is stumping the international porn,
would you be willing to share,
wouldn't I be such an asshole if I didn't share like what you would leave it for everyone to feel like what is it what is it all right.
[5:01] I'm will embarrass what I was going to admit it what I would really love to see is a gangbang except no oral.
Nope not on the mouth nope do not want oral which if you ask,
pretty much anyone especially a guy felt he'll tell you
it's not a gang bang if there's no oral so you're tried putting in getting bang with a minus sign oral and blow jobs and trying to take it out but it doesn't,
Somebody out there should make that porn and I would buy it probably you know what hurt low amount of money that would be really interesting okay wait so
what would need to be in it in order to make it a gangbang from your perspective but not have any oral is that just what would be hot for me
is one lovely lady and I think all women are lovely so when I say lovely I don't mean something specific one lovely lady.
Well over the age of 21 even I think I would really like to see 30 40 maybe even 50 I don't know 60 up but whatever,
not not 18 and what I would love to see you so one lady at least four guys maybe five.
Maybe even up to 12 all having a really great time pleasuring her without.
[6:30] Any oral now blowjobs for her to be giving.
Just hanging out she can do anything she wants with her mouth she can keep a check she can be expressing herself she could be chatting should be talking about baking I don't care.
don't shut the bigger mouth that's all I'm asking oh Paul masking I know it's a lot I know it's a big request because it doesn't exist,
that's really cool okay four or five guys pleasuring her in any way so if you want to know why now pussy cock and pussy yes I do,
because I'm really greedy and in a gang bang if the men are very,
kind seems amazing but if I don't love you I don't want your dick in my mouth,
so it's so it's actual fantasy that I could put myself in.
I find it hot you know what I'll bet you could negotiate this for yourself you couldn't support that you really wanted to see.
I know I could actually you totally good it's true you could even keep them private no one ever sees it but you,
exactly so if I made it nobody would ever say it but me ever but you would be the audience so that'd be okay it's true and apparently there's not a high demand for that because someone would have made it if there was,
well high demand is different than no demand remember it's true.
I I think your fantasy is not as out there as you might think it is especially because I have a fantasy of a threesome with two guys and it's not.
[8:12] It's not about the geometry in the Cox in the places in the whatever it's about both of them loving me,
if that is so if they both love me that everything that happens is going to be awesome yes,
yes that's another great one yeah and for me that's good there's so much compersion in that fantasy the conversion is what makes it real yeah work.
It sounds like both of our poor needs to be very sweet yep yeah.
[8:46] Like it that's fine now getting slightly distracted my partner was here all weekend and he's,
taking care of me since I'm on crutches for a month or two now he is making all my food and he's a fabulous cook so it's just just fun to see him in the kitchen and I said the breakfast bar staring at him,
sometimes they'll take off his shirt while he's cooking so I can enjoy and it's really fun having,
it's not so much their roles reversed because we don't really have rules like that anyway but yeah him joking about how,
I'm cooking in the kitchen is girl porn and how I'm just getting to enjoy and,
but he's right it does work I am getting more aroused just by sitting there and realizing that,
I have I didn't think about my dishwasher for 72 hours I walked through my kitchen and I didn't care what was on the counters.
Because I didn't have to do anything in the kitchen so I don't have to put it in the way just like how nice is that how often do I get to have that happen.
It's very sexy when they cook for us yeah yeah is very important that's my girl porn.
I agree that's really good girl Point yeah they're not making that for poor neither.
[10:05] And what this shirt off cooking a delicious meal I like it but you know I don't know if they need to make that porn when you realize you can have it for yourself it's true,
and that's one of the things that I love about the Alice Armstrong work which is where I met you is knowing that you can actually,
ask for what you want and get what you want and do it in a way that makes everybody really happy yes yes,
and appreciate the amazing meal that just got cooked for you in a way that only inspires them to want to do it again yes yeah,
and not in a manipulation we just didn't like oh my gosh that was so fun for everybody good huh so amazing oh my God so delicious yeah,
and then dessert amazing and as well I keep getting sucked back into that yummy fantasy thank you yeah.
That's what I'm here for oh speaking of Allison Armstrong guess what I'm doing what I am organizing another group of Aber Queens.
Okay yeah another book study it is gonna be awesome that's great.
[11:17] Yeah my co-facilitator she's a neighbor and.
[11:22] I love the fact that we've gotten our wealth Dynamic profiles so well-known in the community that it's easy to be like oh this is a good person for this project this is who we need here so.
Me and her and our other friend Karen are.
The team for this particular project and it's a perfect triangle so I'm very excited about that and I'm not at the head of the triangle so I can kind of be a support role instead of directing everything which is so good,
yes you love that space I do yeah it's great yeah and we spent,
couple of phone calls this weekend reminding ourselves you know how much we've gotten out of knowing how to interact with men in a different way and changing our perspective and sharing.
How it's impacted our lives in a way that other women are curious and want to join in and it's really lovely to be doing that especially well my partner is doing girl porn in the kitchen,
proof of concept right there yes yes.
[12:29] So we were talking about erotica we haven't really talked about masturbation I hopefully we have not yet talked about that no.
[12:39] Do you wanna sure I am a big fan of the jackhammer.
Also known as The Itachi nice I go to I think that I don't know I think that.
I've been using it for so long that I don't know if anything else will work at this stage of the game oh I might want to be adventurous and find out.
[13:09] So I led a two-day workshop in New York right before,
the shutdown in the in the very very last weekend in February,
and it was its sex love and intimacy and it was back when we could gather I gathered 15 women in it and home and led this very beautiful two-day workshop about sex and at the end of it,
one of them said would you mind terribly if I announced to the room that at the end of the workshop on Sunday we could walk three blocks over it was Brooklyn so things were real close to each other,
we can walk three blocks over because there's a women-owned toy store and I said sure of course I would happy too,
chaperone the group of 15 lovely ladies over there right and it wasn't until we were there that I realized two things.
[14:08] One I was bored out of my gourd I feel like there's nothing there for me and if you want to like,
give me better ideas maybe I need some ideas about what to buy next but it's like I got my one thing that's all it's all I need and I'm looking at the handcuffs and looking at the other things and looking at the butt plugs looking at the
and there are things that I do have in my collection and some things that do get used from time to time with my partner's like that but for the most part it was like nah.
[14:40] And then I took a breath and I looked at my women who some of them were mortified,
because I had never ever been to such a scary place before and some of them were really excited and some of them were way more adventurous with toys that I could ever even imagine myself to be
and when I got into the spirit of what was happening for the individual women is when it got really fun especially to talk to.
You know the what the few women who had never ever ever stepped foot in such a,
dirty dirty place and after being freed up you know after that weekend of being completely freed up from any
Hang-Ups that they had throughout their lives they were like it really was that kid in the candy store moment for them and and such a joy for me that.
That's a very long-winded way to say that I have like a couple of go twos and not much else what do you like to do.
[15:40] What do I like to do and nobody likes new toys or would yeah well you know for me it's less about the toys and more about the mental game,
so the toys can be a nice prop for the mental game but of the mental game isn't there then it's just not that much fun.
I mean sometimes it's stress relief and sometimes it's I need to get to sleep but.
If the mental game isn't there then I generally prefer to wait or to find find something that's getting me curious.
[16:12] Or open.
Mmm I look for Curious or open if I'm not already excited and if I can find Curious or open then I feel like I'm heading in the right direction yeah.
[16:28] Can I ask you a technical question please do okay good so a long time ago I bought a g-spot vibrator.
[16:38] It was you know the curve to hit the G-Spot it kind of hurt I never got it I didn't I discarded it.
Like not right away a bit I gave it a good college try a bunch of times then I was like that's just hurts.
I'm out and I assumed it was my own body but then I've been hearing lately that.
There's no such thing as a G-spot but that can't be true I don't know what do you know what do I know I know that there's a place inside every woman I've ever met that can be incredibly pleasurable
and I know that that place which as far as I have always called it the G-Spot is highly dependent upon your current level of arousal
mmm so for me if someone is playing with my G-spot and I'm not yet,
so horny that I want to climb on top of them it doesn't feel good it doesn't necessarily feel bad but it doesn't feel good.
if I am at that stage of to mesons where my body is absolutely ready and I'm all swollen and excited and slippery
then typically the G-Spot has a very different response and it likes a different type of stimulation hmm.
[18:02] Interesting yeah so like one of my favorite things for years and years actually haven't done it that much recently is to have my partner's two fingers inside me.
[18:14] Me being on my back and having them do that like the come-hither thing that everyone talks about yeah but the important part.
Is that the fingers are pressing well they're doing come hither they're pressing outward.
Right so it's kind of like massaging inside of a bowl yep yeah and then if I'm at that I'm going to climb on top of you super horny stage and they're doing that.
It's almost like they can't do it too hard or too fast mmm.
But if they do any of those things at any other time like get the fuck off of me in a much nicer way but it does not feel good so that's.
A brief nutshell about what I know about that is that help yeah it does and I have to tell you as someone who's older than you what's coming around the corner for you is that's going to change.
Your body changes in a way that what used to feel good doesn't feel that great or you might need to,
flip the pressure or speed or like it might not be pressing any more it might be but it might also,
that might go away in it shifts to something else so that's also been really tricky you know as someone who's highly sexual and loves all that good stuff to watch this and stations in my body change as I age is like.
[19:43] Damn it you know wait a minute how do I get this back that's the thing I actually know what that's like maybe that's why I haven't had that G-spot thing in a while because maybe it doesn't feel the same but
I know that there's been four distinct periods in my life where my body changed my body and what it liked and what it,
needed and what arouse it have changed sometimes it's changed like my three favorite things are just my.
Six now but a couple of those changes were so distinctive.
One of them was artificially induced one of them was getting a piercing yeah so when I get a piercing on my clitoral hood I had to change the way that I was playing with myself but what I found is that when I go through those periods,
that reminding myself that the things that you used to know worked.
[20:42] Just because those don't work anymore doesn't mean nothing does.
Right yeah absolutely yeah so I remind myself oh this is another opportunity to relearn some of my body to reconnect with my body could usually,
I feel like I've gotten to those places where I need to adjust because I forget to be super connected to my body,
on a regular basis it's just like I'm not being quite as in the moment over time and then I'm not.
[21:12] Not following my bottle sick my mom I'm not following my buddies signals as closely yeah and so after doing that a few times I'm much better at just following my battle buddy signals from the beginning sure.
But if if I go into it with the perspective of I'm losing something.
It just makes it really painful but if it's I'm adjusting to something different what does feel good now yeah.
[21:39] Yeah absolutely totally changes it yeah and thanks for the heads up you're welcome.
Is not delighted about some of this stuff but we have since made adjustments so yes it's like okay,
hmm so I'm curious what does light you up whether it's sexually or you know in your creative work what lights your fire so to speak.
[22:07] Well I love creativity I love the be able the ability to create and to build,
and I'm a writer so whether that's writing a new book or writing a pilot for television I love the creative experience and.
[22:27] That fires me up my partner both of my partners.
Are really great at sparking that creativity one of them is a writer and one of them is just,
a very critical Wordsmith who's smart and can give me really genius feedback and good ideas so I love to be able to play with,
my two men in that space in my work space writing about lights me up a lot.
I think we were I think we were wanting to talk a little bit about sex magic because that's that delicious ability to both.
Create in the SEC space and have more creativity in our lives and that's.
That's something that I've used for a long time even when I was single I was using it in masturbation and.
Now in Partnership Partnerships partnership I use it from time to time and I really love it.
[23:29] Well I'm really curious I'd love to hear more of your experience I mean I guess you may not want to share some of the ceremonies but
you cannot hear some of how you came to that and what you've experienced yeah I think it was a willingness to own.
That were magic you know that I think that's the very first step is just to own that as a human walking the planet where magic and.
Creating rituals Brown that that are just intentional you know that.
My partner and I literally set out to do this together at this time with ritual to set it up and bringing the Consciousness to what we're doing and being open to what comes of it.
And it just it does have that expansiveness that isn't normal.
For me and it brings a lot of creativity and flow that may not be there beforehand so.
Yeah that's that's what I want to share about it how about you yeah I like what you said about bringing a lot of creativity and Flow.
[24:45] That's one of my most common experiences with orgasms as even if it's not in a Sex Magic context having an orgasm that has pulled me over the cliff instead of me trying to push it,
usually comes with some ideas or some solutions to something.
That I've been having problems with to begin with and I find that to be fascinating it's really really great and I really appreciate my partners who,
are you aware of how this affects me and are willing to let me throw out comments,
in the post-coital glow that have nothing to do with what just happened but are work-related or about the new marketing project that I have set up great it is it's really funny,
and it's also really lovely I can hear it now yeah.
I have the perfect Facebook ad oh my God hold on where's the pain yes yes yeah usually don't pull myself away from them to go out and do anything occasionally I will make a note on my phone about something,
great yeah thank you voice memos yeah.
[26:03] So one of the things when talking about masturbation that I love to share and make clear is the distinction between.
Rubbing one out so to say and having a really fueling tumescent orgasm yeah yeah just there's there's an orgasm that.
Let's see how can we describe these and make the distinction because this is important I think this is the difference between having a board afternoon and having.
Creativity unblocked yes well rubbing one out is task-oriented.
[26:49] That is very masculine you right yeah yeah we're just gonna.
Drive it home right yes I mean it doesn't it doesn't have much to do with tapping into anything other than accessing.
That moment and and unclogging something to happen it's very causal right instead of there's not a lot of.
[27:16] I wouldn't say there's not a lot of enjoyment to it it's enjoyable but it's.
[27:21] It's driven yeah and I find in my experience there's often sort of a recipe you know there's a rhythm or a habit.
[27:30] And in the habit it's easy to not be so present not be so embodied in the experience yep yeah that's correct.
[27:40] But when I am embodied and when I'm using my mind to allow myself to have whatever thoughts are helping my body.
The presents and the aroused and find that space of tumescence it's very different.
[27:58] And what do you do other than be present that other than be intentional about it.
To get yourself in an open space,
you know I think a big part of it is the history of success so when I realized that when I allow myself to settle into that and take half an hour or however long to just,
read some erotica be with myself and connect and then I remind myself of what happens after that then it's,
much more natural to set that time aside in my day and not every day not always just depends.
I guess it's carrot I remember how good the Gary tastes then it's easy to go out and get it so the first thing is setting time aside setting the actual time aside.
What would you say to someone who doesn't even know where to start from there.
Oh gosh I don't know if I'm the best person to give advice to someone that doesn't know us yes you are absolutely it doesn't know how to start masturbating no that doesn't know how to shift from,
just rubbing one out two actually,
I think spacious oh the probably the first thing I would say is breathe start being conscious of your breath while you're doing this.
And then when you're conscious of your breath now use your breath to put your consciousness.
[29:26] In whatever part of your body that you're stimulating whether it's your nipples are your clitter your cock or your whatever.
But consciously and using breath to put your Consciousness in those spaces will.
[29:40] Create a different amount of attention and in my experience it seems to create a different level of nerve sensitivity.
And I don't know how true this is medically but it feels like when I put my attention on my clit a lot of blood flow seems to increase their to yeah.
[29:57] For me music helps very specifically chosen pieces help.
[30:05] I particularly I particularly like really raunchy stuff so Bailey nasty stuff does it for me but I know that it's different for.
Different people yeah yeah that's interesting I do have some music that I can go to for that it's usually associated with a particular person or memory.
But you're saying you like a particular genre of music I do yeah like I'm particular genre of music nice and and,
one would think oh you know if you're going to take the time and open up and do flow like it pick something really,
like nice and easy like an Annie Lennox or something no not me I'll go straight to hip-hop or rap or something like that yeah but that that is one of the things that can have me.
Tap in and.
Also another thing and I learned this from pole client from pole dancing is the what am I tapping into like what flavor of erotic creature that's in there that wants to connect.
[31:12] Is going to be pulled out.
And that that's a different way of spending time with yourself you know different way of connecting and spending time and and.
Letting the different aspects of who we are from a central place come out whether it's shy or.
Slutty or whatever like whatever flavor at ease whatever flavor your,
wanting to dance with basically yeah and I love that you describe it,
I love that you described it as whatever flavor you want to dance with right now because for me that makes it super clear that,
you don't have to be turned on by a certain fetish or be a certain kind of person in the bed you can just be hey this who I happen to be right now this is the mask that I'm wearing right now let's see how this is,
right yeah and it is very much mask or play it's not it's not.
It's not important so there's that there's no possible way to do it right this is just what comes out yeah but comes out that's authentically you even if it's awkward it's fine.
Yeah if you take it too seriously you can just choke the life out of it so yeah yep.
[32:30] And there are certain aspects that don't resonate with me at all you know like.
[32:36] Tease kind of doesn't resonate hot mess resonates but these does not know so there's certain aspects that I have tried to play around with just because I could write and it's like it doesn't.
This is not rocking my world right here so that's good to know right yeah it's funny T's is one of the things that I love to do I don't know if I love to be seen as a tease I don't think I've ever even explored that.
The concept of teasing and being really good at teasing,
that's my jam yeah that's something for you to play with that's awesome Yep and one of the things that I accidentally stumbled upon for me was shy I am not a shy person at all in real life,
but to notice who inside is shy and what what her flavors about is really interesting.
Yeah I'm glad that you mentioned that I feel like oftentimes are most interesting fantasies are the ones that we have absolutely no faith in them happening in the real world no fear of them happening in the real world and.
[33:45] To me it specially you know you talking about the shy fantasy it's it's like the part of this very small part of yourself that is shy.
Gets to have a place that's safe to play yes yeah it's like oh wow I get to be heard sure why not for this hour yes.
Yeah exactly see another thing that I would think of for people who are.
Trying to move out of the what are we call it rub one out mentality yes the red one at mentality is to remember that the point of this is pleasure.
The point of masturbation in my book is.
To feel good so what does feel good you know rewrite your book start blinking say.
What if I didn't know my body today what if I had a Consciousness that was transferred into a brand new body which by the way is the storyline of one of my new favorite shows Travelers on Netflix oh.
Yeah but what if your Consciousness was put in a whole new body and you had to learn that body from scratch.
Yeah can you pay enough attention and let yourself distinguish between what feels like pleasure and what feels like nothing.
[35:08] And that's an interesting game to play a play by yourself play with your partner and when you play you're not strip strangling the life out of it so.
Fly away yeah,
and we're not saying that rubbing one out is bad either no we're giving you a new standard to beat yourself up with I still do like rubbing one out of the shower there's daunting it feels pretty great for something about that 30-second orgasm,
to start the day,
for you for I for me it's like I've watched something and it's late at night and I'm tired and that I know I'm not going to be able to go to sleep because I'm too tired and I've spent too much time on the television so that's got my brain all,
weird and and if I just rub one out the whole that'll do the trick that and if they serve their purposes,
yeah yeah it feels pretty great yeah and sometimes I'm too tired to really dig into the feel and the tumescence and the whatever even when I'm able to take a little bit of time I usually get so much more out of it.
[36:11] Then I expect to so yeah it's fun for sure with that said I really don't masturbate that much me either,
but I do enjoy thinking about my,
ideal life and that's often where the masturbation Sparks it sounds like we do it all the time masturbation think things.
And body rhythms because I definitely go through periods where.
[36:52] I will get horny at the drop of a hat and times when I'm just like you know I would rather work for 12 hours in the next two days yeah,
it's also I go through the rhythms and then I don't know about you but I also go through the ribbons with my two wives two partners so that also,
they each have their own Rhythm right yeah.
I would rather be snuggling with you and sometimes I would rather be having hot sex with you so to.
And it takes a bit of self-awareness and thoughtfulness to allow those relationships to be what they are.
And to still get your own needs met that's pretty badass yeah.
[37:44] You have any good stories about that that you would like to share ah well I just think that I'm just still so disheartened that we're not teaching people the truth.
Which is that when you're with someone for longer than two years by design your body purposely.
Eliminates the dopamine and replaces it with oxytocin so you don't want to,
have sex like you used to you want to snuggle up and watch Netflix and we all are walking around thinking there's something wrong with us and that we failed it relationship because we didn't keep it.
Smokin arrows hot from the very beginning that two years later it's not what it was the first month well yeah because,
dopamine dried up and oxytocin replaced it and this is actually literally by Design what biology did and so just knowing that and being present to that and.
Being okay with the literal design of human beings and then deciding to take action to take choices you know to make choices with each other and to.
[38:57] Learn new ways of connecting through sex that still has to be amazing and wonderful and connective.
[39:05] And yeah it's not like it was when we met nope,
we are not going for 20 hours a week like I know oh my God it was a lot,
after a while I was like I'm so glad we're Polly you should find somebody I need someone to help me with this load all right ha ha very funny oh my God yes
figuratively and literally so yeah,
it's you know it's been seven years so it's not like it was in the first six months and I'm just really glad I know the truth about our biology to not make it mean anything personal about us and that we are
conscious about staying connected in a really yummy way.
Yeah because that's the flip side of it isn't it if we are teaching people that yes this is how chemistry affects our bodies in your love life then we can also teach them and here are some strategies that might be smart like,
don't live with your partner this is this is one of the main reasons why I live alone because what's not one of the main reasons it's one of the minor cherry on top reasons why I live alone because,
living with my partner full-time it really does seem like two years is about how long it takes.
[40:29] If we don't live together full time we can really stretch it out quite a bit and then you do live together you can schedule time.
And have hotel six and have vacations from each other so that when you come back and see each other you happy to see each other again yep yeah I mean there's all kinds of things that can be done,
but you first have to face the reality that hey this might happen yeah and and you know just really leaning into.
How great it is because of the other things you get with knowing someone in that intimate way you know yeah they literally become your family and can finish your sentences and you really feel like they do have your back,
because they've had years of track record to prove what they could be trusted for and all the rest so that's all delicious to me and I'm also super glad
so I'm Polly and I have someone that does not live with me so I have my Best of Both Worlds and yeah
Taz and I are going on two years and because we don't live together this can stretch out for.
God knows how many years I mean I know what I was single there was somebody that I was seeing on a very very regular basis for over five years and because we never live together forever wasn't it never had that.
[41:48] Oxytocin take over from dopamine because we didn't look together and it was uncertain that's one of the things that causes that the Takeover of oxytocin from dopamine is the certainty.
Like the reliability of them living in your home is the thing that causes that so if they never live in your home you're good for years and years hopefully so yeah.
[42:11] Provided everything else works out of course yeah so it's good that bow yeah.
When you can get it do you want to get it it's good to handle right not that everyone needs the strategy that we have chosen it's just.
This is pretty nice actually monogamy super valid choice I get it but like in mine.
[42:35] So have you and your partner that you haven't seen since the pandemic started have you gotten to have phone sex yet,
know what I don't even know what I'm I don't even want to have phone sex thanks I'm so
so so upset by this it's just really you know it's.
I find it hard to complain about it when I live with my other partner.
I had someone super sex-positive who is definitely all up and around the policy but she's monogamous he said to me well but but you have you live with Dave.
[43:17] All you need is so wanted to say to her hey you know how you love your dog and your husband your dog
move across town and you don't get to see your dog that I'm comparing my partner to a dog but I mean I wouldn't exactly one way to get it right like
or one of your children like but you have to get the other child why do you you know Miss you're good with the one though right.
[43:43] Like not the same so we know we haven't we haven't had phone sex.
I don't think either one of us have been in the head space for it and he is super busy,
doing full-time homeschooling of a seven-year-old and trying to manage life on top of being the Sole Provider of home schooling so he's not in a very sexy place in his own life right now and I'm just letting him,
leave that because he's having a harder time yeah that makes sense yep.
Dentist about you lots of phone sex over there Fairmount yeah yeah video better than phone or you like in the phone
to be honest I like the phone better than video like maybe once every two or three weeks will do a video
Obsession but nobody looks good on video unless you're looking at the dot and instead of looking at them and then it's Al awkward yeah yeah it's just awkward but
phone sex probably once a week or so and that was that's partially my request because do you know about vasopressin withdrawal.
No okay so this is fringe science I cannot stay for a fact that this is accurate it's.
[45:05] Mmm something that we talked about one of our very earliest episodes with me and we'll but the general idea is,
that vasopressin is one of the hormones that helps us connect and feel connected to our people now remember this is all conjecture because.
What we talked about in that episode when will and I discussed it was this is all drawn from a study done with moles voles sorry bowls Mountain voles and Prairie voles it's not exactly
human tested or anything like that but it is interesting because it does seem to explain
phenomenon that I've noticed myself that when I've been with one of my partners for couple of days especially if we're living together and then we're separated for a couple of days.
[45:54] There's a period of time where I am happy for the time that we just had and sad for the missing of it and,
I I know how to control my thoughts and how to pay attention to my emotions and things like that so it doesn't feel like,
I am covering up anything it just feels like I'm going through withdrawal of some kind yeah it's 24 hours for me.
[46:19] 24 hours wow yeah takes about 24 hours after he leaves for me to shake it out of my body and feel like I'm not sad that yeah,
wow I have the list ruffle so yeah yeah for me I have them in for about 5 days,
yeah and it's not as intense like the first day and a half is pretty intense and then it softens down but after five days I'm like okay I'm good again.
Mmm Yeah but I used to have a couple of partners that I would see not.
Trading off so much but like I did three days with this partner and then another three days with that partner and then another three days with a different partner so there were times where I felt like I was going through withdrawal
from one of the partners while I was with an excited to be with one of the other partners and it was just a weird sensation mmm yeah yeah.
It was really helpful when I was able to talk about it with my partners and just say I miss them and then they'd be like yeah here hug.
You know I didn't have to go very deep into it just being able to say yeah I miss them yeah was enough.
[47:31] So you were going to connect that to phone sex does that reconnect it.
It kind of does yeah so I noticed a few years ago that if I'm really deeply in this juicy place with a partner which I think a lot of people would call in love but.
To me I think it's a little bit different than that.
But if I'm a deep intimate place with someone and we want to maintain that connection it's helpful if we are able to connect enough every three days or so so that we get some of that.
Maybe it's oxytocin maybe it's vasopressin I don't know I think vasopressin is supposed to be a hormone that you.
[48:11] Excrete you off gas and so I think physical.
Proximity is important to that but it does seem to help with both the withdrawal and with the three-day Loop so if I am able to have some kind of really good phone conversation.
Every couple of days or as my partner and I are waiting ourselves off of spending some time together then it can be really nice so that's one of the things that I've learned how to ask for,
mmm yes my partners are so lovely they're so good at giving me what I might ask for yeah yeah.
We're connected every day we're talking Everyday by text or by phone we were doing video but I decided I didn't like it because it just seemed too awkward all the time like like I said looking at the dot versus looking at him I think sure I was in a,
the lighting was okay enough and it's too heavy it's just easier to be on the phone.
Yeah and I feel like the bandwidth is different for each of the different communication mechanisms uh-huh like for me in person I feel like the bandwidth the pipe of data that goes between us is a hundred percent open.
With video if the video is high quality and it's not lagging it's like.
[49:32] 60% with phone as long as it's a really good connection and there's no delay 80%,
yeah sounds about right yeah texting is like 10%,
unless you're texting is I'm just connected we're just give working at good now okay we're just going to install it is it's just the tether right.
Texting is weird.
[49:59] And it's been interesting since this pandemic asking my partner's how they like to connect what works best for them because I've learned it's not the same for everybody.
[50:09] So consider it that you asked well I learned when people make those assumptions about me tends to not work out so well and I would prefer if they ask so infer from that what if I ask.
Yeah yeah good job thanks I'm learning.
Yeah I think we're going to have an episode with Sam and I talking about how to have great phone sex.
Oh that's good or maybe even demonstrating you will see I'll turn into that cool yay.
[50:41] All right so speaking of wrapping up actually I'll share one of my favorite fantasies I might have shared it before but.
I'm going to start with a fantasy and end with a fantasy I like it well it's a fantasy about wrapping up hmm Saran Wrap.
Saran Wrap thin oh Saran Wrap fantasy yes lighting it is and I've actually experienced this three or four times I think.
This is my college boyfriend and.
We figured out I think through some erotica somewhere that saran wrap was both a cheap and easy way to start testing BDSM oh because I had started to realize I liked a little bit of restraint in my arousal.
It was also a very interesting way of playing with desensitization so the idea was he got me naked wrapped my entire body in Saran Wrap.
From my neck down to my feet so I was like a burrito and put a couple of strategic socks,
inside the Saran Wrap before he wrapped it up so the Sox were in the crotch area so once I couldn't burritos made you can take some scissors.
[51:51] With the socks you're not going to hurt anything thankfully cut a hole in the crotch area in the front and in the back and then one over each nipple as well.
And you're surprisingly warm and the Saran Wrap and because all of your skin is touching something except for these exposed bits,
the rest of your skin desensitizes and open areas are all Sensational and paying attention to the Heat and the warmth and the air and the breeze and whatever happens to be.
[52:26] Coming inside of those strategically cut holes now I'm distracting myself,
that was speaking of wrapping up there you go bad was a really great story and I'm so glad that I got to hear it from you because I am never going to do that.
Because I know the minute I get wrapped up I'm going to pitch.
I'm not going to be able to pitch I'm not going to be able to scratch my itch I will not do it so I'm really glad to know that how he feels and that it is hot and I didn't know about the socks in the Strategic places so.
For delighting us with that story yeah well that's key to the Saran Wrap fantasy I think yeah yeah otherwise you're just,
you know stuck I know mobile with the Strategic holes there's so many things you can do where you know yeah have done to you,
indeed yay well I'm glad that you got a little bit of a lift from that fantasy I was happy I did.
[53:32] You're my fantasy I like I'm a fan of rope because and if something itches they could achieve for me even if I am restraint and I only sleep with people who would be kind enough to pitch the scratch,
I think that's a really good.
Bob what is it ballpark now my policy yes it's a high bar but it's a worthwhile one yeah.
Awesome well thank you Wendy it was lovely to chat with you and I'm really glad we got to talk about some really titillating and interesting subjects,
I know it was really fun and I'm really glad to be with you and I hope that the listeners had anywhere near as much fun as I did.
All right all right woohoo good to be with you.